One Step Closer

There are many things I love about Stella & Dot as a company but likely the aspect I love the most is our willingness to help each other succeed regardless if the person happens to be our team or not.  It’s a company expectation and it’s amazing that I have yet to meet any stylist that doesn’t embrace the philosophy.

I have been feeling challenged with some aspects of my new business so decided to ask a very successful stylist in my area if I could shadow one of her trunk shows so I could get some pointers and really just see what she is doing different from me. Of course it was a great trunk show and we took a few minutes to chat afterwards to debrief my experience and for her to give me additional advice. It became clear as we chatted that most of my challenges are because of my beliefs and specifically my beliefs about my confidence. Which was and was not a surprise to me.  I knew that this year was about learning to have confidence and learning to believe in myself. I’ve been pushing myself and can feel that slowly I am feeling it, it just takes time.

Anyway, this Stylist and I finished our debrief and I really started thinking about this issue of confidence. I can remember when I was confident, when I felt I could take on the world. Why don’t I have it anymore? Why am I not attracting the same kind of success as this stylist? As I am sorting through thoughts and feelings I hear from within:

“because I don’t deserve it”

WWHHATTT??? All thoughts stop. I may have a lot of inner termoil but I can say that feeling derserving is NOT one of my problems (just ask my husband! ) So I ask the question

“why don’t I deserve it?”

and apparently after 34 years and 11 months of my spirit being somewhat vague in it’s responses – decides that today is that day to be quite clear and answers:

“because I’m a bad person”

“a bad person?”

“a bad person doesn’t derserve good things”

“why would I think I’m a bad person?”

“oh, Emma.”

I don’t think there are many who look back on their early 20′s and come out without any regrets – but when those regrets are mainly about losing your child, it’s a different can of gummy worms.  As I was processing this reoccuring theme of being a bad person and that’s why Emma died, I was thinking about the fact that I didn’t want her.

I found out I was pregnant after only knowing Craig a few months and was now going to have to face my conservative christian parents along with a judgemental extended family. I was 23 and knew I wasn’t ready to have a child, I wasn’t ready to stop being a child myself. I can look back and see that even at 23 – I did love her and did all the right things I knew at the time to ensure she would be born healthy and have a good home. But all I could feel as I was driving home was “I didn’t want her…and I’m being punished.”

Emma would have been 11 years old this year and as I logically sat there coaching  myself to let go of these beliefts that don’t even make sense, it became clear that I have spent 11 years seeking a reason she had to die. Maybe if I could find a reason or someone to blame it would be easier to accept or maybe it would hurt less?  I suppose it’s possible but I suspect I would then be filled with anger and hate…not a great trade off.